Why Sarah Palin Is Hillary Clinton

A scientific treatise and herstory.  Not for the faint of heart.

So I was watching the Democratic National Convention this week, and I witnessed a historical moment — Sen. Hillary Clinton made a motion to skip the roll call and nominate that black guy by acclamation!  It sounded like a basketball game or a football game or a rap concert!  Really fucking neat!  And at that moment when the crowd was waving its flags like it just didn’t care, I realized that Sen. Hillary Clinton was my true candidate all along.  The Obama-Aid wore off when I remembered some of the very things I always had known as a woman, but did not want to admit during the primary process:

1. I was beholden to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantsuits (because I think pantsuits are more practical and business-like than jeans; so her fashion policy trumps Hollywood’s).
2. I really don’t want to be left behind under a glass ceiling.  I’d rather grab onto the hems of Clinton’s pantsuits and ride the upward wave.  Feeling 18 million pinpricks of glass on my little brown head?  I don’t think so!
3. I like cats!  I switched to Apple because of the Panther/Tiger/Leopard/Lion/Mastodon/Pterodactyl naming process, and so when I heard that pro-Clinton supporters named themselves PUMAs, I was ecstatic.  I dusted off my black catsuit and everything!  Teehee!
4. Something about equal pay and babykilling and getting closer to Prez Slick Willie

The list grew longer and longer; but most of the other items were similar to the four I just wrote.  But hot diggity damn!  All this time my favorite candidate sat right under my nose, except she had camouflaged herself as not-my-favorite-candidate until just then!  I must vote for this woman, I thought.

At that moment, they announced the black guy would be the nominee for POTUS.  Shit.  What do I do now? I sat dejected for about fifteen minutes, and then I forgot the whole thing until the black guy was in a stadium doing something two days later.  Probably some sports thing or “freestyle” rapper’s song.

I then promptly forgot everything again.  I didn’t want to think about how I betrayed my true candidate and my reproductive organs and my pantsuits because of a yummy red drink I had around March or so this year.   I wonder now if it were spiked with something like testosterone or fairy dust.  This morning, I turned on my computer and I heard the buzz of a thousand reporters and Twitterers.

McCain was moving!  Where did he go; what did he do?!  I don’t know!  But everyone was moving and shaking about McCain’s birthday!   I thought they were talking about his oldness again.  Shudder.  How does Cindy McCain do it?  And by it I mean him.  And by him I mean his age.  Because old people… yeah.  Viagra.

Anyway, soon I heard a different name.  A younger name.  A cleaner name.  A more articulate name.  A pinkier name.

A… woman’s name?

Sarah Palin.  Yes.  Yessssssssss.  I felt a stirring in my girlier bits.  Sarah Palin. I ran to my closet, grabbed my pantsuits, and kissed them all on each lapel.  I can vote my conscience again!  I can vote with what’s in my pants, just like men did all these years!

No more women’s suffrage for me!  I would suffrage no longer!

So I began comparing my candidates, and I came up with five reasons they are exactly alike.  I could NOT go wrong with McCain’s choice for VP.  If I vote for him, and he [surely] croaks it, Sarah Palin can step over his pruny wrinkliness and rule the free world!  Pantsuits would flower throughout the kingdom, and the glass ceiling’s shards would fall into the eyes of nonbelievers!  Vengeance is sparkly, saith the Goddess!

Top Five Reasons Sarah and Hillary Are Alike

5. They are made up of similar parts.

A whole is simply the sum of its parts, right?  And women have holes.  So that means that Sarah Palin has a hole.  And Hillary Clinton does too.  Because they’re women!  Even I have a hole!

I was initially concerned with how fast this realization came to me; so I did some investigating to make sure women actually had holes and I wasn’t making this up.  I don’t remember this being covered in my abstinence-only classes.

All women have holes. This one has three.

Woohoo! I was right! Score one for Team Palin-McCain!

4. They have both pushed out children through their holes.

I learned in abstinence class that the sole purpose of my hole is to push out babies, and therefore I should wait until I found a man who understood what my hole was used for, marry him, and use him and my hole appropriately to push out a baby.  I still don’t really know what that means, but anyway I have a hole!  And they do too, and they’ve already done the hole-pushing-with-married-man thing!

Hillary pushed out one baby and Sarah pushed out five babies.  Sarah pushed out five times more babies than Hillary.  So that makes her five times better.  But since I’m trying to make them similar, I will show five pictures of Hillary’s baby and then all five of Sarah’s different babies.

Hillary

Four of Palin babies and the man. The other baby is cut out of the camera shot.

3.  Something about Jesus.
I can’t really nail this one down. But something tells me he would be happy. And that something is likely Jesus. (Besides the black guy is a Muslim!)

(See how the 3 is elevated between them? That’s not HTML fail. Jesus is watching.)

(Okay that was HTML fail but I fixed it!  Glory be!)

2. Both are white and American! God bless America!!!

Do you know what I like about America? The Americans in it. And do you know what I think about that black guy? He’s not an American. He went to a madrassa in a dark, dark continent somewhere! This lady said so!

And my ears are clean and I heard it loud and clear! As a black woman, I know the one true white Jesus has blessed true Americans with this information through this former congressional investigator. I received that email forward too! Except I hope she knows now that Palin is the Way to True American White Womanhood in the White House. As soon as McCain kicks it. Hard.

And the number one reason why Sarah and Hillary are exactly the same (except for some things but they’re not important) is…

1. The letters in their names are almost the same. And their last names kinda rhyme sorta.

S – A – R – A – H.
H – I – L – L – A – R – Y.

Letters in common: A, H, R.
Letters of difference: I, L, S, Y.

Pa-LIN.
Clin-TON.

Say it a few times. Now say them really fast. Hear that powerful “N” beat that resonates with each chant? That’s commonality! Solidarity! As that black guy rapped somewhere (or one of the remixes), he said, “We are not as divided as our politics suggest.” And he has a really funny name so he must have meant names because his name is nothing like mine. That Obama-Aid… woo. Glad that’s gone.

So, I hope I have convinced other women and their respective pantsuits that a vote for Sarah is a vote for women everywhere. Now that you know the truth, please help me fight the lies and smears against this One True Political Pairing (OTPP) by going to this website and crying in its direction. My empirical proof trumps random red Xs!

We WILL see a woman in the White House by next year! And not that angry black one either! Sistah Souljah will not count!

Disclaimer: I’m not really this fucking stupid.