The pain is cyclical.

There is a reason why the kyriarchical apparatus recycles the same dualistic tropes.  Black bad, White good.  Fat bad, Thin good.  Woman bad, Man good.  Non-Citizen bad, Citizen good.

It uses these patterns because they are simple to absorb and they work.  Having a good guy and a bad guy is the equivalent of a psychological nervous system.  No pain is good.  Pain is bad.  No itch is good.  Itch is bad.  Our responses to our bodies do not necessarily have middle ground; we tailor our remedies to the severity of what’s ailing us.  But any sign of an ailment that cannot be managed, adapted, or eliminated is bad, and that’s how we navigate from day to day.

But that’s where critical analysis sets in.  With our bodies, we learn to recognize what problems can be managed ourselves and when we  need to consult trained professionals to help with larger issues.  We learn to recognize the difference between a paper cut and the loss of an appendage, despite different pain thresholds between us.

For our body politic, I can’t point to the same urgent care operation.  It’s not that simple.  If it were, we would not be battling the same tropes stemming from the same root causes — racism, gendered hatred, homophobia, ablism — on a regular basis.  The pain is cyclical, it is constant, and it is debilitating.  With each battle, we lose time and loving energy.  Every onslaught is perpetuated so that there is no time to recover and to prepare for the next fight.  The pain is cyclical.

I have learned during my distance from blogging and from writing on political issues that I have allowed my psychic pain threshold to rise astronomically.  There are concerns with self-care, concerns with self-sustenance, and concerns with self-preservation that can successfully keep me from caring about other human beings who struggle with the same things in similar or worse circumstances.  Staring at that realization is incredibly painful; yet my day-to-day living permits me to realize it coldly, clinically, as if it is a part of another person who will do all my feeling for me so long as I travel to work on time and refuse to make waves.  It’s enough to make me furious, and anger is punished when it accompanies any sort of observational truth or categorical imperative to move towards peace.  That pain is one I can’t face and I avoid it as surely as I type this out.

But the onslaughts keep coming.  What can one person do to face them without fear?  What can I do to face them with absolute certainty that the pain I witness while fighting is nothing compared to the pain inflicted on the world?  Do I dare disturb the universe?  Depends: is peace a disturbance or a balm?

My role in any struggle is to speak.  I am not good with my hands, and I do not have many redeeming qualities beyond putting words in the ether and letting them move.  If the pain is cyclical, I must write and speak to stop it.  But where is the time?  Where is the courage?   What sacrifices must I make and accept before this life becomes bearable?  Because even though I may grow numb, the pain doesn’t stop and it won’t until its root causes are eliminated.

reasons why the left shoots itself in the foot

1. the left actually believes in a cacophony of voices designed to enrich debate. so centralizing a voice for a long-term cause is often daunting.
2. short-term causes can get places across divisions but once the immediate goal is satisfied or leftists feel adequately pompous, no follow-up is conducted except by a few die-hards.  these die-hards are then criticized for being holier-than-thou.
3. see #1.
4. groups dedicated to a single left-leaning cause are criticized because they have decided sticking to their goal is important and not to be sacrificed for periodic election seasons or favor with others.  these groups then become holier-than-thou when their issues receive lip service for an election cycle and gets tabled again. and again. and again.
5. see #1.
6. left leaders must eschew money. or fame. or publicity. or exposure beyond the kind that causes them to bald prematurely, go gray, or develop ulcers.  if you want to lead on the left, you cannot do anything to indicate you enjoy leading, you like money, or you favor the establishment that can enable your ability to not die before thirty-five.
7. see #1.
8. RIGHT WINGERS!! DAMN YOU AND YOUR MONEY-MAKING MEDIA-OWNING INTRANSIGENT WAYS!!  WE WILL CRUSH YOU!! WE WILL CRUSH YOU ONCE WE FIGURE OUT HOW TO INTERPRET YOUR MYRIAD WAYS OF PROTECTING YOURSELF!! SHAME!!!
9. see #1.
10. unlikely allies are spat upon because one faction of the left remembers what the other faction of the left said about Our Malcolm X.
11. see #1.
12. leftist thought is like blood quantum. if you think just a little like a lefty, you are a leftist.  this merges everyone together into an uncomfortable armpit funk of reluctant activism and screaming about individuality.
13. #1.
14. if you do not conform to the million leftist causes immediately upon finding out you are 1/1200000000th leftist, you are a traitor, or even worse: a moderate.
15. did i say #1?  oh, i did.  forget my head next!
16. some leftists think marches are important.  they are right.
17. some leftists think marches are obsolete.  they are right.
18. there’s no context for 16 and 17!  leftists often times forget that too.  which leads to…
19. #1.

deathday party

someone just blew out your last candle–
fire on the dais! let’s dance around the fact
we haven’t killed your legacy.

let’s keep on murdering peace with
cynicism: war must be fought and
can’t be truly won.  we must rob

well-being from your kids and your parents
and your parents’ children, we must burn
their books and steal their homes

because war is impossible. no vagrancy
for you: we will not let you travel like a
griot to pretend you are fighting

for something other than the man we
killed once, the men we’ve murdered
millions of times! this is a party

and you must join in the march of
the dead.