March 9, 2008
by problem chylde
(a sponsored post.)
It’s been 22 years and my hair does not yet belong to me.
It belongs to my mother and my grandmother.
It belongs to the world of processing and forced relaxation.
It belongs to the strangled strands of unhealthy tresses with ends split in all directions because, and I quote,
“It’s finally at the length I wanted!”
Note that the “I” in that sentence is not my “I,” but my mother’s “I.”
Also note that when my grandmother sees me, it will turn into “we.”
I have lived through decades of uncool hair.
When I was a little girl, I had pressed out strands with little ball-barrettes and butterfly clips. But luckily, no relaxers or straighteners.
But when I saw the PCJ No-Lye Relaxer commercials and I started getting teased in school for my overpopulated kitchen after breaking into a sweat…
I wanted one! Oh god, how I wanted one!
For some reason, I grew up calling relaxers “perms.” And I wanted a permanent farce of straightness.
I begged my momma. I begged her and she said, “No.”
Just like that. And up until high school — that’s right, high school — I wore my natural hair braided into all sorts of styles.
When I was younger, my mom got creative. Stars and hearts would be tightly stitched into my scalp with brown wavy strands of hair. Maybe even an “M” for my name.
I would get my hair braided and rebraided every week for about 15 years.
For special occasions, my hair would be unbraided and the stench of bergamot and pro-styl would fill the air as that hot comb got near my scalp–
I yelled and hollered out of principle.
I would have thick bangs or chunky curls only meant to last for a good day, maybe two.
Then I would whine and creepwalk to the spot between my mama’s knees, on the beige carpet, and she’d get the bergamot and the fine tooth-comb and get to work.
A few times I convinced her to perm my hair, and afterward I would look in the mirror to see my string-thin hair clinging in damp fear to my scalp, wondering what trauma would hit them next. But beneath that fear was a smiling face with white and not-quite-grown-in teeth. Lit up eyes.
Finally, I look like my friends! Everyone will look at me and boys will notice I exist and the girls won’t try to kick me in the bathroom again! I Am Cool.
I mimicked the Pantene Pro-V commercials and flipped my head maniacally back and forth. I didn’t know my hair wasn’t healthy at that time; but, boy, did it ever shine!
I walked into class and everyone would literally gasp. Ask what happened. Touch it. And they’d be nice to me for a good…day.
But my new straight hair did not overshadow the fact that I asked too many questions in class. Or that when I tried to talk to other people in class, my whispers were too loud and we’d always get detention. Or that I couldn’t play tag that well. Or I wore second-hand plaid uniforms to school almost every day because we couldn’t afford anything else.
Or, or, or.
So the braids came back a week later, and everyone laughed. They knew it was short-lived. And I hadn’t learned to appreciate the friends I had no matter what I looked like; so the laughing made me sad.
The hair wars continued. In high school, my mom relaxed and so did my hair. Sometimes it was neat; sometimes it was unruly. But it was something I could comb through and I felt vindicated.
Until it got boring. Then my aunts started wearing wigs, and I borrowed this crazy curly wig from my mother.
And I loved how weird it looked until a friend of mine told me I looked like Howard Stern. And it itched!
Sometimes I would pull it off in the middle of class to scratch my scalp; of course, that’s when everyone had great interest in the back of the classroom.
When I got into undergrad, I gave up. I kept my hair covered. Maintained the oiling of the scalp when I could. Still faithfully washed it and heat-blasted it with my blow dryer.
But I didn’t give a shit about styling it. Sometimes my friends would take me calmly by the hand after a period of depression and patiently do something — anything — with it.
When I went home, my family was pissed. They were convinced they had taught me nothing about being a woman.
- I wore no makeup,
- I sometimes rolled out of bed, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and went to class in my pajamas,
- If I rolled out of bed at all,
- I did not carry a purse (too many bags; I have pockets!), and
- My clothes! They are not the same color (a special level of matching beyond simple coordination of style).
By my second year of college, my hair began to break off. I went to Hair Cuttery and my best friend helped me pay to get the breakage snipped off in a reverse bob. A napped-up reverse bob.
I tipped the beautician 50% and left smiling. It felt like fifty pounds of weight got snipped off my brain.
I enjoyed touching it. It was so soft! And my fingers could go through it and my wide tooth-comb could too!
I kept it covered as my secret source of pride.
And when my friend graduated, her mom twisted my hair. They were so long! My hair smelled like coconut oil and shea butter. I melted.
My family liked it but wondered when I’d get a perm.
They answered their own question after my grandmother and I got into a fight.
Between her legs I sat, crying, and in went the relaxer. A few months after my 18th birthday. Relaxer sores back in my scalp because I scratched my hair with abandon before that time.
But my hair was longer and healthier than ever, after that period of natural growing.
I felt no connection to it anymore. I let other people handle it. And then everything else. And the depression grew worse.
Thankfully, I had wonderful professors who knew my problems with deadlines and did not fail me outright. Who let me turn in final projects during winter breaks. Who even gave me rides home in the cold when I carried gallons of water back to campus. Water I never drank.
Thankfully, my mother pressed me to apply for law school because I was convinced that if I could not do a paper or my hair or wear makeup or carry a purse, how would I function in law school?
I applied to one school under threat of violence after gentle urging and patient screaming did not work. And I got in.
Then the question of handling my hair reemerged. I could NOT wear a fro. Not in a professional setting. So it was permed and hot combed and curled.
The white people at my jobs LOOOOOVED my hair. “It’s so thick! You look so professional!” Whatever, heifer.
I discovered the internet did not only have porn and broken slang. I formed Opinions About Important Matters.
Law school began, and my mother braided extensions into my hair that needed to be refreshed every month. White classmates wondered at them, and black classmates smirked at the fact I never went to a Black Law Students Association meeting.
The braids came out and I insisted, one last time, on a relaxer.
People stared at me as if I scalped some poor white lady and put her hair on my head. “You look phenomenal!” “Is that…your hair? All of it?!“ Whatever, heifers!
After that last time, I joined the Black Law Students Association informally before paying dues and getting my Official Black Law Student Card this past fall.
I also explained to my mother that I wanted to chop off my hair again and wear a fro. I thought this could work somehow.
But we reached a compromise.
I would not get any more perms in exchange for not clipping it short. I would let the perm hair grow slowly, and I would let her get the straightening comb.
No More Bergamot. Coconut oil only.
And she could take care of it.
Okay, this is doable.
Until the time she told me I was worthless for missing the tiniest patch of scalp and leaving it dry, and I pulled out a headful of rollers in tears and threw them all over the house.
I was leaving, I was moving, I would max out my credit card, and I would go somewhere. Anywhere.
My grandmother insisted over the phone that I stay in place because she didn’t want to scour the city finding me. I needed a better plan than a credit card. She loved me. My mother…well, you know about your mother.
I trembled and nodded. I flinched as I recovered the rollers and saw whole strands of my hair still curled in them. She called me worthless again and put my hair in a ponytail. I cried silently in bed.
Then, my hair slowly began to grow despite the straightening comb and the strangling of split ends that my mother pretends to cut when I take her to task on it.
Now it is back to braids with extensions.
But soon, I will move. I will move away with a better plan than a credit card and spry feet running on pavement until body collapses in a place and calls it home.
And my homecoming will come in the form of a Hair Cuttery and a 100% tip.
And a law office space that will be forced to face my curls and twists and braids.
Because that’s what I’m giving them.
My hair will be mine. God-given and thick.
(Can you touch it?
Whatever, heifer.)
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